From Broken to Becoming: My Divorce Healing Journey

Why I am ending my marriage and my search for self love

I decided to physically separate from my spouse of over twenty years in November 2024. I had been asking for a divorce for about 10 years. We lived together about 2-3 years while “separated” and he barely fought for our marriage during those years. He seemed comfortable because we’d been together for so long. I finally pulled together enough courage to insist he move out.

My husband is a tall, handsome, charismatic man who can suck all the attention from any room he enters. Of course, I fell in love with him, but overtime, his need for being the center of attention came with a heavy price. If astrology is your thing, he is a Taurus and I am an Aquarius and believe me when I say, we are not a combatible match. Now that I have done some work on myself, I realize our relationship was a plethora of relationship buzzwords: a trauma bond, love bombing, anxious attachment and avoidant tendencies. We both have deeply entrenched abandonment wounds so there’s that.

There wasn’t one thing that ended our marriage. It was the accumulated disregard. His insistence that he just talked loud. Our incompatibility. The uneven mental workload to keep our family of four functioning. Our unresolved childhood trauma. My greatest fear was realized when I accepted our toxic relationship was forever affecting our sons. I found myself torn between staying together and breaking up for the kids. We tried counseling but I quickly realized, the sessions were all about him.

Since our separation, I’ve worked on my health, rebuilding my finances and loving my sons. After a few tense months, my ex and I were able to be friendly, share some laughs and really put our kids first. After years and years of loneliness, I decided to start dating. I had fun, but realized I need therapy first. I mentioned to my ex that I’d been on some dates so he wouldn’t hear it from someone else. He seemed cool and said he’d been talking to someone. We made plans to finalize our divorce soon.

Then out of the blue, my ex wanted to talk. I met him at his apartment and he told me he wanted to try again. That he still loved me. That he couldn’t eat or sleep. I was shocked but quickly realized, this was just his ego talking. He couldn’t stand the thought of me being with someone else. Mind you, my ex and I haven’t been intimate in years. Against my better judgment, I told him I would give it a 10% chance, but then realized my mistake and told him, no, I was not going back.

He lost it. Started texting me hateful messages all day and for the first time in our relationship, I felt scared for my safety. He eventually apologized but continued to send me messages claiming to miss and love me even after I said we could only be friends. Then I made a big mistake. I let him stay at my house for Christmas after he asked to saying he wanted to cook and exchange gifts. I said okay for my sons, but it felt awkward.

Fast forward to Christmas morning. The was no gift to me from my ex and my stocking was empty. I’m embarrassed to say it wasn’t the first time. I was prepared but it still hurt.

He got himself a smoothie the next day, and came back with a $15 gift card for me to a place I had never been to in my life. It did not make up for his obvious attempt to hurt me.

I’m sharing all this to say, if you are hoping someone will change, it’s unlikely.

If you are considering going back to your ex, get therapy first.

If you’re staying together for the kids, reconsider.

My sons will never forget the Christmases their mother only got gifts from them (that I purchased) and not from their father who should be their biggest role model.

Of course, it is not about the gifts but the disrespect they witnessed and that I allowed it back into my life.